Downer

Planet Tokyo Following the ins and outs of areas of politics is a consuming pursuit, in which time itself seems to hurtle at breakneck, roller-coaster speeds. As I do this, my life hurtles forward, even as my life and I stand still. The understandings I thought we had arrived at here, in my personal sphere, are nothing but more of the same 'misunderstanding' that has reigned here many years. Where it was agreed there would be no more drinking here, the drinking continued because I did not play cop to his 'crim' and insist on an immediate discard of alcohol, which is the one constant and the ongoing deal-breaker of what is a broken deal that somhow never comes to completion. So where I've respected boundaries by refraining from confrontation or enacting a purging scene that involves overstepping boundaries, my boundaries have been pissed on by Mr Semi-Off-His-Face then proceeding to consume the contents of the beer refrigerator over the last few days. That I could live with. But replenishing the beer refrigerator today sent me back into meltdown mode of last week or whatever it was. Having a word about it did not make an iota of difference. It was the same scene being played out again: denial, justification, not heeding my word and so on. Text to a third party ensued. Along the lines of: please explain this is a violation of the agreed upon limits and that this is contrary to the agreed terms; that it must stop; that this is insane and that I cannot commit to having my limits violated. Life is unliveable if one must request third parties to intervene on one's behalf to convey simple concepts like: honour your word; honour agreements; appraise the situation; do not violate limits; do not make conditions untenable etc. To the person that feels entitled to be semi-intoxicated (or, really, to be intoxicated, as there is no middle ground - one is intoxicated or one is not), despite another person's objection to being subject to proximity and living and other conditions of this nature, it is all some kind of a smirking 'joke' and the same scene is replayed, as it has been every few days, year after year. But the person that does not consent to being part of such a scenario or dynamic, and a person that is fundamentally being forced to experience COMPLETE HELPLESSNESS in terms of one's personal relationship, living conditions, domestic arrangement and just about everything else, because it is impossible to isolate and contain what is occurring as something separate that has no bearing or consequence on every other aspect of self and other, and domestic and other arrangements. The sort of smug, amused, self-righteous, unapologetic, entitled and indifferent attitude and arguments that are played out, defending that position, despite prior (broken) agreement,  incensed me. Angry argument ensued. But the feeling of helplessness remained. Where agreement was reached following  seismic meltdown and argument only days prior, that agreement was unapologetically reneged on, taking me right back to square one again:  the insistence that he will drink, regardless of my objection or grounds for objection, or refusal to be forced continue to deal with this - after years of this, and arriving at a zero-tolerance point when it comes to my coping ability, view, attitude etc. to this substance. The life I live is unliveable. It doesn't matter what I do, I will be made to suffer. So, once again, it is put upon me to either force a break-up that has been left at the point where forcing a break-up (by standing my ground and refusing to accept the unacceptable) is also forcing homelessness not only on him but also on me and dogs, and enduring the upheaval of having to piss away a home and a lifetime of accumulated possessions, by scrambling to get myself out of here, no matter what the cost to me - unless I sign up for just continuing to endure more of this insane, contentious impasse, by somehow resigning myself to living as the living-dead, trampled upon, bystander whose 'no' means nothing. Did not respond well to the feeling of complete helplessness in the face of unapologetic violation of agreed limits. Went to the beer refrigerator and started throwing cans of beer across the back yard, taking care not to strike the dogs (and avoiding aiming for his head, however tempting it was as a target). Would you believe he still went back to the refrigerator to help himself to the beer I missed?  That is the degree of arrogance and lack of reason I am forced to endure. Another meltdown ensued. Tussle over a can of beer ensued. He let me win in the end, because I made sure I shook it up so it was no good to open. That was lobbed in the backyard, bursting open on the paving. An opened can was tipped down the sink and the balance of what I'd missed was hidden away where he is not likely to find it and drink it. Getting into physical tussles over alcohol or violating property boundaries over alcohol is not my preferred response, as I am at a physical disadvantage and it's undignified. The only other time I've attempted confiscation, what I'd confiscated was located and immediately consumed (rendering the exercise futile). So the approach of treating an adult like a child is problematic. On the other hand, being ignored and being rendered helpless in the face of the refusal of another party to respect one's position, limits, capacity to endure etc, is also a problem. It's a lose/lose scenario, no matter what happens. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm emotionally rattled. I'm extremely angry. I'm confined here in this house with someone who has conveyed to me that he simply does not respect me on even the most basic of levels, and someone who thinks nothing of violating hard-won understandings (or what I thought were understandings), that are violated again and again - and I've lived out this crap for years. Getting intoxicated is the be all and end all for this person and what I want and what I accept and what I can cope with is of no consequence, and I'm expected to just live with that? What is infuriating is that it is no longer even about the degree of intoxication for me: it is about my limits. It has become: do I wish to live with someone who violates my word, my voice, my limits? Will I submit to being helpless, or will I resist, no matter what the cost to me?  The feeling I get is that my life will cave down upon me and I will lose everything before I am extricated by circumstances, as I have not been able to extricate myself from this.  So my life is in ruins and I'm just waiting for the ton of bricks to come tumbling down upon me. What angers me is that this has cost me years and years of my life and my dignity, and that I now have an enormous upheaval ahead of me, unless I submit to continuing to live a life that is unliveable. If it has to come to that, if this is all there is in this life I have, then this life is not worth living with this person no matter how it is lived. The feeling is that there is no 'win' in this. If someone has so little regard that they do what causes another person anxiety, distress, frustration, anger and so on, repeatedly, no matter what, then there is a problem with the nature of the 'bond' or whatever it is that is being played out. It's not even about the drinking or one person submitting to the other; the fundamentals seem to be completely wrong. This shouldn't even be happening. As usual, when entering into the 'alcohol challenge' territory, the alcohol is defended at my expense: I become the bad object that must be put down. Even though I then try to refocus the argument on what the argument is actually about, it's very hard not to then feel sh*t afterwards when all that is wrong with you is dredged up any time there's a battle that involves attempting to assert one's limits. It's like I'm not permitted to have limits and boundaries about his particular behaviour and the point of contention, because I'm sh*t. Well, if I'm so crap, the logical thing is to leave me. But I remain crap, he remains here, alcohol remains a constant source of disruption and argument etc, and I'm forced to move from what is my home, turning my life completely upside-down at quite a cost to me, because I've let him move in with me, and this has just gone on and on and on and on and on like this for years. How is this right? We either have to agree to disagree and part, or he has to abide by the limits of my coping abilities. I'm now stuck with the aftermath of the enormous amount of anger that was stirred up. I feel like I've done rounds in a boxing ring. Can hardly breathe. I'm still angry. I'm physically aroused. I've taken a massive downward mood plunge. I can't stand my life at this moment, and I have no way of cleansing or uplifting myself. I'm just suck with these corrosive emotions. Assume the third party has spoken to him, as he was on the phone for some time. He's more chilled than I am. But he's in the driver's seat. It's behaviour that he is in control of: it's not behaviour that I can control. So he has the advantage, I guess. The prospect of both of us becoming homeless because I cannot take any more of this does not seem to bother him. The most corrosive feeling is the feeling that my life is over no matter what, because my relationship with him feels impossible, no matter what. I wish I'd have a stroke or something. Heart attack. Anything. So I can just escape. LOL Would you believe he's still drinking? He's come inside looking disgusting. Pissed face.  He's making me sick. I've gone outside for a cigarette, and he's got himself a can of beer that he's retrieved from somewhere I've tossed in the backyard, FFS, and he's drinking Drinking since early afternoon. Drinking that's persisted, despite my objections. On my remarking on this, he's barked back "Have you made dinner?" Told him to f*ck himself and to get out. Of course, this is water off a duck's back. It's not like what I say matters, because I don't have the ability to pick him up by the scruff and shake sense into him or to hurl him onto the street with all his many possession, right this minute. So there's no come-back whatsoever, and this continues just as it has always done. I feel distressed. It's like living with a hostile, alien presence I must helplessly endure. I feel sick. Everything about being here is sickening. And I've now got a headache from blowing a fuse earlier and the strain of containing the toxic feelings aftermath. What a c*nt. Now he's complaining about something I haven't done and how he has to do everything himself. Well, I guess that's what happens when you live with someone undergoing major depressive withdrawal that may well be linked to living an untenable life for years on end. Referring to his martyrdom, he says "which you'll be doing soon yourself". So can I presume he's moving out? Didn't specify, because he's not man enough to even let me know what direction I can expect this sh*t to head in, so that I can think about making legal and other arrangements. Instead, it's all just up in the air, where it's been since he decided to waste another year of my life, before resuming his commitment drinking himself into ugliness. Who does that? In the year that he was required to desist, he could have done us both a favour by being honest with what he wanted to do, and he could have made arrangements to move out, if it's a life of drinking he's rather pursue. But, no. He's decided to remain here on bad faith, instead, and to put me through this torture all over again, instead of just mercifully releasing me and letting me somehow pick up the pieces of my life. I cannot begin to understand what motivates this person to do this, and to sort of 'force-live' with someone on some bad faith and bad behaviour basis, as if what was unacceptable and toxic before would become acceptable all of a sudden. Why would he even do this to himself? WTF is he doing? It's going to be strange being single again ... although I've sort of been single for years. In a prison. MOVING OUT next week I'm told. It's been dragged out to the point where I've got two weeks to now scramble to make arrangements for obligations that he was notified of at the start of the year, where I've kept myself open and exposed to potential loss, deferring things in consideration of him and what I presumed to be his place in this. But it now appears there is no him in this: and I'm on my own. I'm on my own and he would rather move on than just stop drinking. The torture never stops. Now he's smashed and ranting crap at me. Very distressing. Everything about me is a problem. Just paying out on me.  Even though he says he's leaving and he sounds determined to go.  At one point he tells me he's never going to stop drinking and that he's a "bullsh*t artist", and that he told me he'd stop drinking just to shut me up. He's never going to stop drinking and if I believed him I'm a "dumb c*nt". Tells me the third party I called to intervene says that I'm "toxic". Smacked the computer screen at one point and told me he hates everything that interests me. Now he's demanding I "shut up" with my "tapping" and says that he's going to stick my "hard drive up [my] bum". I've rung his relative to ask that someone picks him up because he's ranting at me drunk and I don't know how much more of this I can take.  Left a voicemail message, but I doubt he'll be collected by anyone.  I'm stuck with the consequences of his insistence on drinking. I've tried to start throwing some of my paperwork out in readiness for what I assume will be homelessness, but I can't even do that in peace without being mocked by him. I can't do anything without recrimination and his demented verbal abuse.