Planet Tokyo - Domestic Bliss

Planet Tokyo Domestic Bliss Flipped my body clock again, because I'm a moron. Dreadful sleep.  Kept waking up (and had got up) to monitor the 'time-bomb' I anticipated I would have to monitor, even as I was about to crash out. It had already begun 'ticking' at some insane hour, which must have been either mid-late morning or early afternoon, just before I finally crashed out. It doesn't matter what I have to say.  I'll ask nicely, "Please don't" or I'll remind of consequences etc.  But  I'm still ignored. I didn't think to monitor supply, so I don't know what's been consumed.  Hopefully, not much. But problem develops if I have something to say about what has happened:  then I get a sort of loud, aggressive-whiny protest, that I find frustrating and infuriating, as I am not being heard and this is a method of drowning out my voice of protest. "Whatever, I don't listen to you," he says to me when I insist he needs to see about things. According his mental construct of what I may and may not reasonably assert, demand etc, I'm not entitled to seek to influence the conditions in which I live. This attitude and this same point of contention has been ongoing for years. That's a major issue.  But I'm not permitted to talk about this, because he refuses to even hear me out.  I'm dismissed angrily out of hand, or I'm otherwise dismissed because he's 'busy' or whatever.  It is never properly discussed and nothing is ever resolved. On the receiving end of frustrated, alienated and trapped feeling, combined with a slow-burn sort of underling anger and a sense of being completely at a loss about what to do, because being in circumstances where your voice and stated limits etc are not remotely respected is cause for concern. At this moment, there's not a high degree of unpleasantness and there's no major drama.  Just unpleasant feelings:  frustration, degree of alienation, and anxiety, combined with concern about the direction of this overall. How many years can you keep repeating the same involuntary experience, experiencing the same corrosive feelings, while feeling trapped in a kind of recurring at-war dynamic, when arguments develop? That this is against my will and has been for years does my head in when I stop to dwell on that. From where I stand, it's an oppressive recurrence, involving years of impotence, toxic dispute and drama, along with refusals to heed entirely reasonable and rational requests. Frustrated, mid argument, yelled at him that it's a basic human right to wake up in a sober environment.  LOL ... I don't buy the universal aspect of that, as I am entirely opposed to the 'human rights'  reassignment of what is particularly to the universal/international.  I'm inclined to think it's simply a natural right that belongs to those that have the personal means to assert the right by force, if required.  I can't:  I'm not strong enough for a physical confrontation. But the 'human right' thing popped out, and it's a handy argument.  Conviction is not required.  His line of attack is that I haven't 'done' anything.  So his position would be:  as I'm an apathetic, depressed freak that has finally crashed to sleep, having done nothing of value or importance (or simply the fact that I am still breathing ... LOL),  he is entitled to impose what is against my will, knowing this is without my consent, and surely knowing that what is imposed is a form of Russian roulette. This has played itself out for years despite my protests, no matter my condition or level of activity.  Having a go at me is just a convenient way of justifying and protecting an action he would sooner protect from challenge by me, than preserve what remains of my f*cking sanity or anything else here. The degree of powerlessness that accompanies being on the receiving end of what you plainly object to (and have objected to for years) is sickening at the time of disagreement, because it is being forced to endure, against your will, something you cannot control, prevent or refuse. Therefore, until such time as you take drastic and monumentally disruptive action, you are forced to experience complete impotence and what feels like a form of mental torture. Getting that across is impossible to get across when you are also dealing with someone who will not listen, no matter what. At present, there's been a degree of tension and unpleasantness because I object to what is cause for concern and a source of anxiety to me.  That then means I am immediately on the receiving end of what is a 'counter-offensive' in defence of what I object to, where there can be no defence whatsoever, because my 'no' means 'no' ... or it would, if I took drastic action that would render us homeless.  LOL. After all these years, particulars of disagreement over the point of contention probably don't matter:  it's the fact that this battle even exists (almost a decade down the track), and that it 'has' to be replayed, that is the fundamental problem. TV's on and I can hear a replay of a documentary we had a fight to what seems like only days ago.  I'm not kidding.  It's the same documentary by the sound of things, or it's part II of the same series.  And it's pretty much the same dynamic being played out here (save that we're not having a major argument this time around ... as it's just low-level anxiety inducing), and I'm experiencing a lowish distress level, unable to (a) influence/control (b) refuse/decline (c) discuss/remedy etc.  Very unpleasant, even though we've stopped bickering and he's watching some TV. Sometimes, when I feel really overwhelmed by the sense of impotence during arguments that ensue if I complain or try to address what is going on, I feel as if I could completely lose my sanity being on the end of what often feels like an intolerable degree of emotional distress, which also has a physiological component.  I really do feel sick at the time.  If we've had a particularly bad or intense argument, I'll feel dreadful the next day. I'm hoping he'll soon crash out, even though he's not majorly impaired:  I just don't like the anxiety I experience or the sense of helplessness/impotence, as I cannot control or influence if he will maybe drink more, or if this will result in unexpected argument. It is completely impossible to convey this to him and he is oblivious.  Not only oblivious because he does not want to listen, but oblivious because he chooses not to care. He's completely oblivious.  All is well with his world.  He's just come off the phone to someone when he went out for a cigarette.  He seems quite happy. I, on the other hand, feel like I've had my face shoved in sh*t ... again.  LOL The worst part is not knowing what to do, because there's nothing that can be done.  What do you do with an adult who will not desist subjecting you to what you expressly refuse to experience? I'm angry that I even have to consider this and have to experience the same feeling of impotence, when I could have been spared this if he were at all receptive and motivated to get along with me.  Rather bizarre, like he is, instead, more motivated or driven to have himself a 'party' while I'm miserable and that this does not in any way disturb his conscience.   From his point of view, I'm guessing he would probably see no wrong:  after initial arguments, he's quiet; we're not arguing at present; he's watching TV; he's experienced whatever he wishes to experience and feels entitled to experience ... and he doesn't care what I think or feel. But, from my point of view, I am unwillingly experiencing levels of aversion, anxiety, frustration, impotence, distress, alienation, concern, emotional disruption, and a downer I didn't ask for, that is this 'gift' received entirely beyond my control. I think I need therapy to either somehow adjust to accepting my lot without complaint or distress ... or he needs to behave; or we need to break up.  I'm not equipped to handle this. *He's served himself a huge serve of the crappy chocolate cake I made and he says "I think I'm going to have a heart attack after this", as he heads for the sofa in front of the TV, after being a creep and denying me chocolate cake, when I asked if I could have some.  LOL ... it's like kindergarten here.   I should piss in the bowl containing the rest of the ganache covered chocolate cake, as the cake was a little on the dry side ...   LOL Football's on.  OMG.  Dead boring. NEXT DAY Lovely again. Peace prevails. Does nice things. But will it last? LOL Interception attempt has already occurred. Body language says: not receptive (turned side on). LOL Says I'm just as bad ... when I've been on the computer for 20 hours at a time, ranting about things he doesn't care about, while my eyes are spinning. What? ... LOL On my agenda: Chicken Vindaloo ... followed by maybe a short video project, I'm hanging to play with.