Planet Tokyo: Hell Ride

Planet Tokyo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUbMWtUyIIE Messed up my body-clock again. Scramble to prepare filleted chicken breast in an onion, mushroom, white wine and cream sauce.  Plus braised cabbage, carrot and bacon, microwaved 'baked' potato with garlic butter and green beans. As I did this, felt anxiety rising due to added pressure of feeling like I have to beat the 'dunk clock time-bomb' and to somehow monitor the degree of inebriation, as if I have eyes in the back of my head and as if I have any level of control (which I don't). The earlier plea not to drink at all went unheeded, of course. "I'm the c*nt who pays the bills and you've created a scene, as you always do" is the pissy melodramatic charge as defence, after I 'spat it' owing to the rising level of anxiety I was experiencing, in response to what I experienced as a somewhat edgy or hostile, somewhat inebriated and somewhat chaotic dynamic that was shaping up here ... as it always does when there's been:  drinking.   Or, that's how I experience it. But, apparently, the drinking isn't the problem:  it's me.  Well, yes, I'm as crap as it gets ... but we're having the argument we are having due to dealing with one another through the filter of drink, so however sh*t I am (and I admit I'm pretty sh*t), it's just made worse by dealing with the wildcard that is the effects of drink, because everything is filtered through that mind, mood and dynamic altering substance that complicates,  isolates and precludes much of a shared reality (which reality is rapidly altering) ... and is factor that never stops sounding a warning to me. While I was racing against the 'drunk clock time-bomb', juggling spatula, frying pan, pot on the stove, microwave and whatever else it takes to throw together the meal I found myself 'suddenly' juggling (yes, these days, I no longer think about meals and, oddly, I am always somewhat surprised to find myself having to prepare them ... probably because I've devolved into what is a long-term depressive and rather dissociative state) ... frying things in batches, I turned up a video lecture on the Frankfurt School that I was trying to listen to, as I did what had to be done as fast as I could go. Out of nowhere, while I'm bogged down in kitchen tools, grease splatter and watching multiples of things on the go that are almost there (so, I'm pretty keyed here and feeling like I'm racing and juggling at the same time), I get this almighty blast of commercial TV over the top of what I was listening to ... it's as loud as all f*ck and it doesn't let up. One thing leads to another and the usual argument erupts.  The kind of argument that has me re-experiencing the usual frustration, anger and unbearable feeling of trapped. While I'm having an enraged diatribe about the drinking, I'm getting the usual loud, somewhat aggressive flack for my bad time-keeping and headf*cking declarations of martyrdom of the bill paying kind, that eventually devolves into a single barked statement repeated at me over and over and over and over and over and over again, like it's a Chinese water torture, to drown me out, over the top of what I am angrily trying to convey over the volume and rhythm of the Chinese water torture. Arguments such as this devolve to the point of my yelling, "Get out!  Leave, then!" The kitchen looks like a bomb's gone off.  I can't eat what I've plated up.  I feel like I've taken an unpleasant roller-coaster ride; shaky, emotionally rattled, burned out and depleted. The Chinese Water Torturer dealt me a final mind-cracking torture that is seriously heavy-duty depressive unloading that I'm not equipped to handle ... before retreating, leaving me impotent, silent, wrecked, stranded in the dust and remains of some place I do not wish to be in  and cannot exit. The cigarette I had hasn't taken the edge off the rattled feeling.  As I sit here calming myself, I can feel a tightness in my head.  With any luck, it's an aneurysm and I'll soon drop dead. Now I'm sort of zombied out, wondering what to do with myself next ... so it's back to square one, being the limbo in which this and I have remained. I don't know what to do and how never to repeat this again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlp3wmE4bbI Tried to sleep.  Lay there for what felt an eternity ... on my back, on my side, staring at the ceiling.  Got up for a cigarette after tossing and turning and suddenly feeling such an intense cigarette craving that it felt like a 'panic' rising.  Just seeing the packet of cigarettes felt so much better and the cigarette that followed was instant relief. Lay there some more afterwards ... tossing, turning, starting at the ceiling. Neck stiff.  One side of head and face sore.  Like a sinus feeling.  Very unpleasant. Mr Chinese Water Torture got up at some point, making a heap of noise as he did so, because he's entitled to make a racket. As usual, when I had something to say about what had happened, I was immediately shut down with an aggressive-whiny turn that prevents scrutiny and challenge.  Pretext is need for sleep.  LOL ... hard to argue with that.  Then he’s demanding, “What are you doing in bed?”, and telling me I should be up.  This is after already arguing with me earlier about the hours I keep.  So if I stay up, I’m wrong; if I go to bed, I’m wrong ... and I mustn’t “huff and puff”.  Would have been lying there sighing and rolling over, feeling like sh*t because he’s absolutely done my head in.  I’m unable to sleep and unable to do anything else, because I’m done.  I’m finished.  My brain’s fried.  I can’t read anything.  I can’t focus on anything.  I feel like crap about myself.  And I feel crap about everything else.  I’m in existential hell.  It is eternal, no matter what I do and were my existence takes me. Thought about useless sh*t, as I lay there unable to get to sleep ... before I got driven out of bed by the hostile turn Mr Chinese Water Torture deployed to avoid dealing with what I’ve got to say.  Thought about how everything that is wrong with the world is wrong because of capitalism.  But I couldn't think of an alternative system of existence suitable for enormous groups of people, and no matter what system is in place, as long as capitalism exists the system in place must compete with capitalism and is therefore a form of capitalism, while capitalism is a threat that forces competition (for things, money, stuff, trade, hegemony, and for INDEPENDENT EXISTENCE, versus coup and hostile takeover, therefore demanding a huge military budget and huge production  etc); so capitalism itself must be abolished. To abolish capitalism worldwide, what would be needed is complete destruction of everything man-made, all knowledge, most of the human population, before reverting to primitive existence in small groups.  LOL ... don’t suppose there will ever be any revolutionaries intent on bringing about the primitive renaissance manifesto I came up with. Then I wondered why anybody is bothering to demand transparency, 'democracy', civil liberties ... and why all those ex-CIA whistleblowers are bothering with the farce of gathering in 'we need democratic government' US meetings, when we all know that (1) 'democracy' is impossible in large societies and that (2) capitalism is a destroyer and exploiter; which means that the entire exercise of demanding more equity, political ‘participation’ etc. from the capitalist ruling oligarchy is a waste of time ... and maybe even a waste of time that fools people into thinking that the oppressive and exploitative capitalist system can be remedied, when it cannot and when the only alternative way forward is complete destruction of whatever systems there are across the globe. For some, this could be a case of making the best of a bad deal in circumstances where it is believed the system cannot be changed; hence working with the corrupt, exploitative and faulty system is chosen, as it would seemingly be the most practical thing to do. But I find it impossible to see the point, eg.  why would you play a game with someone that cheats or believe someone that lies? The capitalist system is inherently a lying, cheating, exploiting and aggressive sociopath destroyer and the urbanised public that have no choice but to rely on the economic system for sustenance are penned sheep to be exploited. Might try to watch videos until I feel I can sleep. Nah.  Brain's too fried to even bother resuming watching the Frankfurt School lectures.  I'm rocking out to Aquarius, which is probably the product of the Frankfurt School offshoot that is probably the Tavistock Institute social engineering capitalist manipulation machine that has opted for engineered Baby Boomer 'social revolution' as opposed to real revolution:   political revolution and overthrow of capitalism?  LOL ... I don't know that yet, but it wouldn't surprise me. Listen to the guy that sounds like a goat.   LMAO As this idea sounds positively crazy, I'm going to link something of interest that is worth considering: In early 2009, a U.S. government contractor sent a Serbian music promoter to Cuba with these covert marching orders: Recruit one of Havana's most notorious rappers to spark a youth movement against the government. In communist Cuba, it was a project that could have landed Rajko Bozic in jail. So when he made his pitch to team up with hip-hop artist Aldo Rodriguez, Bozic left out the part about his true intentions -- or that he was working for the U.S. Agency for International Development. Dreadlocked, muscled and tattooed, Aldo, as he was known, was a hero in the hip-hop underground for lyrics protesting the Castro government's grip on everyday life in songs like "El Rap Es Guerra," or "Rap Is War," words he tattooed on his forearm. He and his group, Los Aldeanos, were about to unknowingly get sucked into a tug-of-war between Havana and Washington, as thousands of pages of documents obtained by The Associated Press and dozens of interviews show. With Aldo's own government already harassing his group -- his first album was titled "Censurado" -- Bozic had been sent to turn up the volume of his protest songs. USAID's secret Cuban hip-hop project sought to spread democracy, but like other U.S. operations on the island, it was executed by amateurs. [MISC OTHER EXTRACTS] In a written statement, USAID said the programs were part of a four-year contract that ended in 2012, but denied they were clandestine. The hip-hop operation ran simultaneously with two other USAID programs exposed by the AP earlier this year -- the launch of a secret "Cuban Twitter" and a program that sent Latin American youth to provoke dissent -- and also involved elaborate subterfuge, including a front organization and an exotic financial scheme to mask American involvement. USAID targeted some of Cuba's most prominent musicians, including two icons close to the revolutionary government -- Silvio Rodriguez and Pablo Milanes -- and even members of the Castro family. It all hinged on a strategy of subtle manipulation. Bozic, with his close-cropped black hair and wry smile, had been hired by Creative Associates International, a company with a multimillion-dollar contract from USAID. His goal: Commandeer the island's hip-hop scene "to help Cuban youth break the information blockade" and build "youth networks for social change," documents show. Creative's contractors would recruit Aldo and scores of Cuban musicians for projects they disguised as cultural initiatives but really were aimed at boosting their visibility and stoking a movement of fans to challenge the government. The trick was to do that without getting arrested. If it seems farfetched that the U.S. would use music to stir resistance against Raul Castro's government, there was a kind of precedent: Bozic's project was inspired by protest concerts by the student movement that had helped topple former Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic in 2000. To the embattled hip-hoppers, Bozic's pitch to underwrite a TV project showcasing the work of young musicians sounded sincere. The music would be distributed through the Cuban underground on DVDs and thumb drives. It was an easy sell -- and Aldo accepted, Bozic reported to Creative. A little repression could work in their favor, he advised Creative: "Gathering to confront the censorship imposed on hip-hop has a great potential." That was right out of the Serbian student playbook from 2000. In an interview with the AP in Belgrade, Bojan Boskovic, who works with Bozic, said Serbian students' protest concerts started out as purely cultural but gradually added political messages. In the end, he said, "Basically every band that was playing was saying you know, 'We need to get rid of this government, you guys can do it, come on.'" Boskovic declined comment on his Cuba work, but documents make clear that Creative took a long view. Cuba was nowhere near the political tipping point that had existed in Serbia; early in the Cuban program, a Creative manager spoke of being halfway through a decade-long effort. Just weeks after Bozic left the country, Cuban authorities arrested U.S. citizen Alan Gross, another USAID contractor working on a separate secret program. He was sentenced to a 15-year prison term. Bozic, the Serb, went on to projects in Tunisia, Ukraine, Lebanon and Zimbabwe. He declined to comment on his Cuban operation. Xavier Utset, the mastermind behind the "Cuban Twitter" and hip-hop projects, declined to comment. He has left Creative for a job with the U.S. government. He works for USAID. Billboard | archive Put the Lime in the Coconut ... LOL ... Put the Lime in the Coconut.  Dooooooctor ... Ooooohhhhhhh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQXbtlbQX70